Here's a Funny Cartoon

Crankshaft often has funny cartoons. I thought this one was ideal for the day before Valentines Day.

Dilbert Joke

Click on cartoon to read.

Sometimes Scott Adams who writes Dilbert hits way to close to home. Being an Engineer you hear this kind of talk in the office quite often. I feel he was an Engineer in a business before he started to write the cartoon.

"Lizard Birth" what a funny story

If you have raised kids, and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, this story will have you laughing.

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged."Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know" she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked

"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later."We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know."Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . um . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. We were silent, absorbing this."So, Ernie's just . just . excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied , relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just .that . .I'm picturing you pulling on its . its. teeny little ."She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,"he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs!

Selig makes decision before game 3

Commissioner Bud Selig has passed down a decision on Fridays Indians/Yankees game. Selig said Steinbrenner should actually come to the game instead of being on a boat listening to the game. "I think that Selig called him a knucklehead but may have been referring to the name the Cleveland north coast calls the midges as Muckleheads." There will be no reversal of who won the game and the Indians lead the series 2-0.

The New York Post complains about the Indians winning. They called the Yankees a victim of insecticide. Were both teams playing under the same conditions or were the insects only attaching the Yankees?
http://www.nypost.com/seven/10062007/sports/yankees/yanks_victim_of_insecticide.htm?page=0

Steinbrenner could not be reached for comment but from his office George Costanza said that Steinbrenner was sorry for the mistake. Costanza said that was as contrite as Steinbrenner could be.

Tim Finchem said "I did not understand completely the situation and would stick to golf comment from now on.

Donald Trump said "I told Steinbrenner originally that they called them little people not midgets but he wouldn't listen.

In a related story Joe Torre will lose job as manager if the Yankees lose.
http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/news?slug=ap-yankees-torre&prov=ap&type=lgns

Steinbrenner complains about midgets

George Steinbrenner has posted an official complaint with baseball commissioner Bud Selig. Steinbrenner who is fishing in the Atlantic heard the problems his team was having with the midgets on the field during last nights game 2. He was still celebrating the fact that the Yankees got to play the Indians first. He still didn't know how the Indians won game 1. All aboard were listening to the play by play by radio. He feels, since his team was winning at the time the midgets came on the field, that his team should be awarded the win. George said he would ban all midgets from the next two Yankee games and also would lobby for banning them from the Indian game five if necessary. He is very unhappy the umpires couldn't control the midget situation. He felt anyone could get midgets off the field and didn't understand how the umpires thought spraying them would help.

George Steinbrenner said his team had beaten the Indians every time this year and this tactic of using midgets was completely unfair. He is putting his top office man, George Costanza, onto this investigation of the problem with midgets. A source, close to George Costanza, known only as Kramer said "George Costanza would get to the bottom of this problem and will do it quickly".

Fishing with George Steinbrenner was Golf Commissioner Tim Finchem and millionaire mogul Donald Trump. Tim Finchem told source that if this happened in a game of golf and a player who had a midget disturb other players would be disqualified immediately. Donald Trump who was also on the fishing trip said he would be happy to fire the Baseball Commissioner if he didn't make the correct ruling. Donald said he was really good at firing people.

Bud Selig said he would make his final ruling tomorrow before game 3 of the series.

In Honor of Pirates Day

I found a web sight that gives you a pirate name. Mine is Dirty Tom Rackham. www.piratequiz.com/. I told them I bathe daily but it didn't make any difference.
I'm still having trouble putting in HTML's and don't know why.

Work vs. Prison:

This is too close to true for me.

Work vs. Prison:

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.

@ PRISON You spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell
@ WORK You spend the majority of your time in an 6X6 cubicle /office

@ PRISON You get three meals a day fully paid for
@ WORK You get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it

@ PRISON You get time off for good behavior
@ WORK You get more work for Good behavior

@ PRISON The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
@ WORK You must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself

@ PRISON You can watch TV and play games
@ WORK You could get fired for watching TV and playing games

@ PRISON You get your own toilet
@ WORK You have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat

@ PRISON They allow your family and friends to visit
@ WORK You aren't even supposed to speak to your family

@ PRISON All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
@ WORK You get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from
your salary to pay for prisoners

@ PRISON You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
@ WORK You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars

@ PRISON You must deal with sadistic wardens
@ WORK They are called managers

THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!!!!